"Lord God, make me more like Jesus! Let His Spirit abide deeply within me. Showing me my weaknesses, His grace and strength, and conforming me more and more into His very likeness. With all compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."
I pray this kind of prayer daily as I serve in this house, care for my children, support my husband, live amongst neighbors, worship with the Body...I sincerely want to be more and more like Jesus each passing day. I want Him to shine through and draw others to Himself by my acts of obedience and love. Yes, I want to be like Jesus.
And then this week came barrelling down the road. And I found myself weak. broken. burnt out. despairing. confused. desperate. failing. offended. hurt.
I called out to Him and He answered. He led me to Truth in his Word and spoke it to my heart through His Spirit. "Shawna, have you not been praying to be more like me? Remember who I am. Remember what is the purest form of love. Remember what I did here on Earth two thousand years ago." I stopped dead in my tracks of self-pity and lifelessness...He's right. Being like Him means sacrifice. Over and over and over again. And again. Even when it feels like I'm on mile 25 in life's marathon race. This is what I've been praying for. I've been asking to be more like Him and here it is. I'm not sure what I thought it would look like...Maybe just these fragrant, swirling emotions of affection, compassion, kindness, all wrapped up in sweet smiles and joyful hugs and kisses? Like some kind of Good Witch of the North or Mrs. Cleaver. If that's what I think Christlikeness is, then I have let my conceptions become clouded by my own desires and the world's influence. No...this week, Christlikeness has looked more like patiently changing another diaper and wiping a bottom for the gazillionth time. It looks like choosing to extend grace (which I didn't) after preparing a special meal (complete with pinot grigio!) for my hubby and he's late once again because of a ministry call. It looks like opening up our home to a group of fellow believers even after a mentally and emotionally exhausting week. It looks like running to the Father in the midst of hopelessnes and tears begging for His truth, light, and joy. It looks like not counting how many times I've sacrificed or given of myself...not comparing with others. Just giving out of the overflow of the heart. And when there is nothing there but depression, sin and failure, then trusting Him to do it in and through me. TRUSTING in His unfailing love to sustain and come through. Christlikeness is trusting the Father to be and do for His good pleasure. It's hard sacrifice. It's blood, sweat and tears. So why in the world have I been praying for this? Because this is life. He is life. And in humility and becoming more like Him, true joy, true love, true identity, true hope, true purpose, true compassion, true relationship is found. Paul never wrote that dying to yourself is easy or painless. It's death. And death is painful, raw and brings grief, sorrow and loss. But in losing our lives, we find it. I TRUST in that. I TRUST in Him. I trust that whatever the degree of self-sacrifice and death, He is worth it. And He will carry me through. So I won't stop praying. I'll shed my tears, I'll wring out my sorrowful soul, I'll limp my way to His arms...But I won't stop praying to become more like Him. He is all I have. Jesus is all I need. May He shine so brightly and fair through this broken, cracked vessel. I am His. He is mine. Amen and Amen.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment